early february, i had the privilege of going to a tech conference called js conf in honoulu, hi. i got a lot things out of it but probably the most prominent are the revival of my loves for learning and actively building community.
my experience at cal heavily dampened my love for learning pretty quickly – not just because school was difficult and the environment was toxic but also because i felt like i lacked community for most of it. in my freshman year of college, less than a handful of friends i made on my dorm floor would stick it out with me until graduation. i had just spent the year prior taking care of my mom and working three jobs so i was over all the extra effort and wanted to make friends in the most convenient way possible. in hindsight, this is definitely not the attitude to have when moving to a new place all alone but i mean, i was just relieved to have made it. i pined for that college life i saw my friends living while i was stuck making drinks for shitty customers or being a program coordinator for youth or stocking shelves as a sales associate. sadly, the journey to get there was so damn exhausting that i was burnt out from the beginning.
even though i had these folks from my dorm to brave those first few weeks with, we weren’t always aligned and the number of friends i hung out with dwindled through the years. for example, even though i was a full-ride scholarship student i still had to work a job to make enough money for food, rent, and the damn textbooks. many of the friends i made did not have the same experience and did not understand that just because i got to go to school for free didn’t invalidate all the struggles i faced and was still facing. they made snide remarks about scholarship kids, they berated me whenever i didn’t want to go out to eat with them, they just didn’t understand and i couldn’t blame them. it wasn’t their fault they didn’t understand. i could still be hurt by it, though. me and another friend were the only ones that didn’t have the capacity or luxury to just focus on school, despite the fact those scholarships were made to help people like us. i struggled with staying afloat, my grades were almost always borderline passing, and i really thought i wouldn’t make it through. i was able to meet more folks through dance, a teaching non-profit, and ultimate (for a season) but my quickly degrading mental health and, later, abusive relationship, ended up stripping a lot of those connections from me in the end. learning stopped being fun. college made me feel transparent. transient. like i had been violently uprooted and never replanted, as if i weren’t allowed to sprout roots there. i try not to be bitter about it as i am still thankful for even getting the opportunity. it’s just- i poured out my dreams, worth, and trauma in personal essays just to experience even more trauma in a school that wanted me there but didn’t know how to support me when i finally got there- but i digress.
*sips tea*
anyway, i’m not sure exactly when it hit me. maybe it was dipping my toes in the sea for the first time in ages. maybe it was getting to reconnect with my blood relatives in moanalua. maybe it was getting to learn in a safe environment and playing with great people. maybe it was all of it, all at once. whatever it was, it enabled the walls to come crashing down. i found myself excited and actually learning. it was exhilarating and not exhausting to make meaningful connections with new people. the laborious mental and emotional grind had come to a slow crawl, dare i say a stop. i suddenly felt grounded.
it hit me:
i don’t need to focus on surviving anymore.
i can just focus on living.
i’m no longer bound to a toxic learning environment (where all the memes are incredibly self-deprecating and showboating exists in the form of how many consecutive hours you spend at the library). i’m no longer at the mercy of scholarships and terrible odd jobs that dictate whether or not i can eat well that week. i’m not longer in an abusive relationship. i’m not longer being abused. i have resources i didn’t have before. i have healthcare, for god’s sake. i have opportunities that allow me to travel, learn, and see my family for free.
i’ve spent years of my life shying away from opportunities to learn and build community because school made me feel like i didn’t deserve it or that i would never fit in. school made me feel way too fragile and damaged to be solid in my worth. thankfully, me and my (healthier, happier) brain can finally see that’s complete bullshit. i now have the capacity and wherewithal to deal with the stuff that overwhelmed me in college. i know that just because i got to where i am in a different way doesn’t mean i’m not meant to be here. i’m ready to be firm in myself and more intentional with the space i hold.
so yeah. lots of things happened last month, lots of processing going on. you know what else happened though? standing brooms. and, i mean, it kinda works well in last month’s recap post because i know a great filipino proverb about brooms and community.
matibay ang walis, palibhasa magkabigkis.
translation: a broom is sturdy because its strands are bound tight
cheesy (’cause it’s a proverb, duh) but i’m excited and finally in the right mindset to lay down some roots here in the bay. or bound some strands. or whatever. you get it.
so, to close, i have a question for you:
if you’re someone that currently lives in a place different than where you grew up, how do you foster community outside of places such as work and school?
gossamer 